Thoughts Running Freely Through My Head Without Commas.

In summer when the rain comes down in loose, free-falling bursts it’s always unexpected and sudden to me…it’s like the moment before a dam of emotion breaks, and I wonder how far the rain falls before I can feel it? How quickly does gravity pull the water droplets from the clouds and can I look up and predict the shower, before it cleanses me…splatters against my warm skin? I like to believe that the rain travels from many many miles farther up in the sky than the ethereal edges of a cloud. Like maybe it comes from Heaven? When I look up all I can see is sky, and scientists and astronauts have clearly proven that beyond the earthly atmosphere there’s a universe…a lack of oxygen but an abundance of burning masses known as stars…planets asteroids blackness and a moon that follows you in all that vastness, wherever you may tread your feet. I like to believe that precipitation comes from God after the dam of emotion explodes because even though He’s God He still cries sometimes…and since He’s God He could hold it all in, even if there’s a bursting blooming billowing paroxysm of water and wind welling up in His eyes because His heart is broken… Even though He’s God, His heart is broken and I’m no theologian saint preacher angel, maybe not even a Christian but I believe despite all my juvenile stupidity that His heart is fragile for us…even in its extravagant splendor… I know this because I’ve done it… Broken the heart. And I wonder how do I always rebel against the Love that delivers me trash the Love that saves me vandalize the Love that heals me? Maybe because God is there but He isn’t. I know He’s there but He’s on mute or low volume. And there’s a life laid out before me but it’s an earthly life, not the Light of Life. How do I find the Life you speak so highly of…the Life you constantly crave…the Life He made you desperate for? Maybe I’ll be made desperate too. Sometimes I feel desperate. Obsessive, crazy… But mostly I just ache. I ache for something real tangible breathing living…a heart beating… Maybe just for someone who has ached like me…someone to touch me and not shrink away or fade or turn their back or close their eyes to my intensity. Is it far too much, to ask you to love me? I’m a difficult person to love and I’d never expect anyone to but a girl can hope… Then again I was never that girl who dreamed of a white flowery wedding or a blue-eyed baby or a man or a happy ending or a picturesque sunset… All I really wanted was to be remembered and not forgotten…to die and remain immortal… To touch another person, touch someone in a way that they could never feel with their own family of origin or anyone else around them, for that matter. Strangers to strangers, hearts to hearts, pain to pain, humans to humans… Let’s examine what’s real. Let’s examine that thing that causes that ache within that heart, and let’s talk about it and reveal it in new ways that no one else had ever seen experienced pondered tasted… Maybe we can even heal in the process, who knows…
Back to rain how far does it fall before I can feel it before it cleanses me and renews the life on this earth? I know that rain is just rain not God’s tears…it isn’t sadness, it’s scientific rather…but then again so is God…

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